It's amazing the things life can throw at you. And even in times of major struggle, society expects you to bounce back ten fold. There is that bland expectation, that you as a person are supposed to be able to take on soo much and be able to come out with a positive mindset, a smile on your face, and stronger then ever.
I guess in retrospect if there was no expectation there would be a lot of miserable people. You could possibly say the expectation is motivation to move on with your life and pull the positive out of the negative. In the last month and half Ive exhausted myself pulling the positive out of the negative, don't get me wrong its not that hard, but I'm tired of having too. At what point is this going to blow over....when do I get to move on....I want this to all go away.
I feel like Ive always had someone to help support me, I never had the confidence to deal with life on my own, and now that I have that confidence, I have to wait. Never in my life have I been so ready to take the world on. Ready to live on my own, support my children on my own, not have to answer to anyone, living life like I want to. 23 years of not being independent at all, I think now that I'm ready I deserve to have it now. Granted I am scared as hell to jump into this but I am so very confident in myself, and it feels good.
So this new job of mine is amazing, and I work with amazing people. I work with a women that is so incredible, she played this song for me the other day, called Penguin. The song is done by Christina Perri. Going through what Im going through, I would say any normal person would hate the message of the song, which is love. I loved it. The last thing on my mind was hating the song when I heard it. Makes me a bit anxious though. Makes me wonder when I will find love like that, or if I will at all. Makes me wonder if I am worthy of finding someone that will give me butterflies constantly, even after ten years. If there is a soul mate out there for me.
Thinking these things is just a constant battle for me....in my mind I know my only focus right now should me and my kids, but my heart is so hungry for some connection with someone else, the everlasting love only some people are lucky enough to find. I keep telling myself..........one day.
