I was laying in bed last night and I wondered silently to myself "why the unhappiness?". I have two beautiful amazing kids, and I am so blessed to have them. A husband that works so hard for me and the kids and to upkeep our lifestyle. I mean Im 23 years old have a house, I drive a BMW, and I felt guilt for not feeling overjoyed with these things in my life. Dont get me wrong I love my children more then anything on this earth! But the conclusion I think I came to was that I dont know who I am, and that is so frustrating to me. Especially when I remember a time when I thought I did.
18 years old, working, supporting myself, and so comfortable in my own skin....why now do I not feel this comfort. It makes me incredibly unhappy. I'm constantly over analyzing myself, is it the 50 lbs Ive put on since having children, is it the fact that I quit smoking for someone other then myself, I mean I feel like Im constantly changing myself for someone else. God knows in the last 5 years I have changed my hair from blonde, to brown, to black, from short to long at least 500 times just to try to satisfy the wants of my husband.........makes me so regretful I guess if that makes sense. I just want to be able to find what I love and stick with it. And I need to stop trying to please others with every aspect of my life.
Although I feel a little to deep in it already to go back to the old me, the one I was comfortable with. Most of all I wish I could just stop caring, find the things I like for me and stay with them...stop looking at other girls and comparing myself...stop thinking that I could be better and just be comfortable with myself. I think these things are the key to my happiness. Its just a matter of whether or not I can let go and mature on this level....Ugh I guess its another one of those take it day by day things.....
