So I have gotten some great news, I am officially moving on November first!
I am so incredibly excited but terrified at the same time! I know I am strong and I know I can do this, at least thats what Im telling myself!
I have no idea what Ive done to be so lucky with the things that are happening to me right now! My job is incredible, I mean I couldn't ask for better people to work with and there is soooo much potential! I couldnt be happier! The saying " one door closes so another door can open" is so true in my life right now! I mean, things have been so hectic and crazy and I finally feel like its all been worth it! This is the beginning of a new life, and Im loving every minute of it!!!!
Bring on the struggle, cause this bitch is about to handle it like a BoSs! :)
I know this is short but just a quick lil update!
Friday, October 5, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
A Constant Battle
It's amazing the things life can throw at you. And even in times of major struggle, society expects you to bounce back ten fold. There is that bland expectation, that you as a person are supposed to be able to take on soo much and be able to come out with a positive mindset, a smile on your face, and stronger then ever.
I guess in retrospect if there was no expectation there would be a lot of miserable people. You could possibly say the expectation is motivation to move on with your life and pull the positive out of the negative. In the last month and half Ive exhausted myself pulling the positive out of the negative, don't get me wrong its not that hard, but I'm tired of having too. At what point is this going to blow over....when do I get to move on....I want this to all go away.
I feel like Ive always had someone to help support me, I never had the confidence to deal with life on my own, and now that I have that confidence, I have to wait. Never in my life have I been so ready to take the world on. Ready to live on my own, support my children on my own, not have to answer to anyone, living life like I want to. 23 years of not being independent at all, I think now that I'm ready I deserve to have it now. Granted I am scared as hell to jump into this but I am so very confident in myself, and it feels good.
So this new job of mine is amazing, and I work with amazing people. I work with a women that is so incredible, she played this song for me the other day, called Penguin. The song is done by Christina Perri. Going through what Im going through, I would say any normal person would hate the message of the song, which is love. I loved it. The last thing on my mind was hating the song when I heard it. Makes me a bit anxious though. Makes me wonder when I will find love like that, or if I will at all. Makes me wonder if I am worthy of finding someone that will give me butterflies constantly, even after ten years. If there is a soul mate out there for me.
Thinking these things is just a constant battle for me....in my mind I know my only focus right now should me and my kids, but my heart is so hungry for some connection with someone else, the everlasting love only some people are lucky enough to find. I keep telling myself..........one day.
I guess in retrospect if there was no expectation there would be a lot of miserable people. You could possibly say the expectation is motivation to move on with your life and pull the positive out of the negative. In the last month and half Ive exhausted myself pulling the positive out of the negative, don't get me wrong its not that hard, but I'm tired of having too. At what point is this going to blow over....when do I get to move on....I want this to all go away.
I feel like Ive always had someone to help support me, I never had the confidence to deal with life on my own, and now that I have that confidence, I have to wait. Never in my life have I been so ready to take the world on. Ready to live on my own, support my children on my own, not have to answer to anyone, living life like I want to. 23 years of not being independent at all, I think now that I'm ready I deserve to have it now. Granted I am scared as hell to jump into this but I am so very confident in myself, and it feels good.
So this new job of mine is amazing, and I work with amazing people. I work with a women that is so incredible, she played this song for me the other day, called Penguin. The song is done by Christina Perri. Going through what Im going through, I would say any normal person would hate the message of the song, which is love. I loved it. The last thing on my mind was hating the song when I heard it. Makes me a bit anxious though. Makes me wonder when I will find love like that, or if I will at all. Makes me wonder if I am worthy of finding someone that will give me butterflies constantly, even after ten years. If there is a soul mate out there for me.
Thinking these things is just a constant battle for me....in my mind I know my only focus right now should me and my kids, but my heart is so hungry for some connection with someone else, the everlasting love only some people are lucky enough to find. I keep telling myself..........one day.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Who I am....
I was laying in bed last night and I wondered silently to myself "why the unhappiness?". I have two beautiful amazing kids, and I am so blessed to have them. A husband that works so hard for me and the kids and to upkeep our lifestyle. I mean Im 23 years old have a house, I drive a BMW, and I felt guilt for not feeling overjoyed with these things in my life. Dont get me wrong I love my children more then anything on this earth! But the conclusion I think I came to was that I dont know who I am, and that is so frustrating to me. Especially when I remember a time when I thought I did.
18 years old, working, supporting myself, and so comfortable in my own skin....why now do I not feel this comfort. It makes me incredibly unhappy. I'm constantly over analyzing myself, is it the 50 lbs Ive put on since having children, is it the fact that I quit smoking for someone other then myself, I mean I feel like Im constantly changing myself for someone else. God knows in the last 5 years I have changed my hair from blonde, to brown, to black, from short to long at least 500 times just to try to satisfy the wants of my husband.........makes me so regretful I guess if that makes sense. I just want to be able to find what I love and stick with it. And I need to stop trying to please others with every aspect of my life.
Although I feel a little to deep in it already to go back to the old me, the one I was comfortable with. Most of all I wish I could just stop caring, find the things I like for me and stay with them...stop looking at other girls and comparing myself...stop thinking that I could be better and just be comfortable with myself. I think these things are the key to my happiness. Its just a matter of whether or not I can let go and mature on this level....Ugh I guess its another one of those take it day by day things.....
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